There is something very beautiful about humility.
There is also something very beautiful about eager curiosity.
An ever-learning and growing person is always undoubtedly attractive.
There is also something quite enchanting about child-like fascination manifested in a full-grown person.
These are all just simple things that we were once possessively filled with as children. But we lost all this charm and beauty along the way. We lost the ability to charge forward like we were right all the time and yet to blink in silent, unworded innocence when we were sharply pointed to be in the wrong.
Now we aggressively defend ourselves with way too many words and take intrepid steps forward like we're waiting to be told we're wrong. We are no longer brazen and of good courage. We are afraid and whatever courage we have in us is falsely manufactured for appearances' sake. We no longer seek to discover and play the treasure hunt. We want to know only because we have to.
We are not real and beautiful anymore and how sad that is.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
2 deaths and an anniversary.. and then God
The uncertainty and fragility of life is really sinking to the pit of my stomach. I feel so weighted.
Uncertainty and fragility are both things you cannot hold in the cup of your hands. They are both things you cannot hold even if you spread your fingers apart as far as possible and tried to grasp or squeeze. Do you know how scary it is when you cannot hold on to something? It's very scary. It's like not being able to reach for a grip when falling off a cliff. It's like losing hold of a 3-month old baby and watching it drop to the floor, it's like not being able to hold an aeroplane down from taking off, it's like not being able to catch someone's breath in your palm and keep it for another day so they'd live longer. It's like a sudden mistake and it's like being out of control. Freak accident.
When we hear that so and so has passed, our trained natural response is, 'oh that's so sad'. And we say that because we know at the back of our minds that it really is sad. Losing a life is not something capable of not being sad about (sorry for the double negative). But do we really know what it feels like? To face the reality of living with a death? I don't know. Does it make it better if it was expected? I don't know either. I think the pain is just different but not necessarily less.
Waiting for a sick person to die is very much like waiting for anything imminent in life to happen. You live in prescience. Maybe you wake up everyday knowing at the back of your mind that this might be the last day with the person, or knowing that the end is drawing near. You do normal everyday things like eat, sleep, work but you keep reminding yourself that one day, soon, the person isn't going to be there to do all these things with you. You think all these thoughts maybe you prepare yourself for the time you know will come. But when it does come, it's like some nightmare came true. Like all those dull antecedent thoughts stored at the back of your head and heart for the rainy day are now realities you actually have to deal with. Isn't that scary?
Having so many deaths surround me at the time he is preparing to leave, leaves me with the very morbid temptation of drawing parallels between the two phenomenon - leaving and dying. Waiting for someone to die, waiting for someone to leave. The thought process is quite the same. The sense of foreboding imminence is the same, albeit less tragic. The element of preparation, of bracing. The rude shock of all you've been contemplating being effected into real life. It is very much the same. And it is a very sadistic parallelism that I really do not want to make. But the idea of death engulfs my mind now and I cannot help myself.
I am afraid that my obsession with being mentally and emotionally prepared for everything bad will be my downfall. It's really quite a rude awakening when all these thoughts you've been storing start to be realized in real life. It's like how when you constantly dream about getting a tad too many Bs in your A levels and the freakish results really happen. It's like. Omg I can't believe this is actually happening, help.
My mind is really my greatest battlefield.
#
"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink;
nor about your body, what you will put on.
Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns;
yet Your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not of more value than they?....
Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven,
Will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
But seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."
- Matthew 6:25-33
"I will lift my eyes unto to the hills -
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord
Who made heaven and earth."
- Psalm 121:1
I exalt you Lord, over my thoughts and heart.
Uncertainty and fragility are both things you cannot hold in the cup of your hands. They are both things you cannot hold even if you spread your fingers apart as far as possible and tried to grasp or squeeze. Do you know how scary it is when you cannot hold on to something? It's very scary. It's like not being able to reach for a grip when falling off a cliff. It's like losing hold of a 3-month old baby and watching it drop to the floor, it's like not being able to hold an aeroplane down from taking off, it's like not being able to catch someone's breath in your palm and keep it for another day so they'd live longer. It's like a sudden mistake and it's like being out of control. Freak accident.
When we hear that so and so has passed, our trained natural response is, 'oh that's so sad'. And we say that because we know at the back of our minds that it really is sad. Losing a life is not something capable of not being sad about (sorry for the double negative). But do we really know what it feels like? To face the reality of living with a death? I don't know. Does it make it better if it was expected? I don't know either. I think the pain is just different but not necessarily less.
Waiting for a sick person to die is very much like waiting for anything imminent in life to happen. You live in prescience. Maybe you wake up everyday knowing at the back of your mind that this might be the last day with the person, or knowing that the end is drawing near. You do normal everyday things like eat, sleep, work but you keep reminding yourself that one day, soon, the person isn't going to be there to do all these things with you. You think all these thoughts maybe you prepare yourself for the time you know will come. But when it does come, it's like some nightmare came true. Like all those dull antecedent thoughts stored at the back of your head and heart for the rainy day are now realities you actually have to deal with. Isn't that scary?
Having so many deaths surround me at the time he is preparing to leave, leaves me with the very morbid temptation of drawing parallels between the two phenomenon - leaving and dying. Waiting for someone to die, waiting for someone to leave. The thought process is quite the same. The sense of foreboding imminence is the same, albeit less tragic. The element of preparation, of bracing. The rude shock of all you've been contemplating being effected into real life. It is very much the same. And it is a very sadistic parallelism that I really do not want to make. But the idea of death engulfs my mind now and I cannot help myself.
I am afraid that my obsession with being mentally and emotionally prepared for everything bad will be my downfall. It's really quite a rude awakening when all these thoughts you've been storing start to be realized in real life. It's like how when you constantly dream about getting a tad too many Bs in your A levels and the freakish results really happen. It's like. Omg I can't believe this is actually happening, help.
My mind is really my greatest battlefield.
#
"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink;
nor about your body, what you will put on.
Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns;
yet Your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not of more value than they?....
Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven,
Will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
But seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."
- Matthew 6:25-33
"I will lift my eyes unto to the hills -
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord
Who made heaven and earth."
- Psalm 121:1
I exalt you Lord, over my thoughts and heart.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
change and the time machine
So I'll be in Belgium for 1 whole year!
It's amazing how this year is such a year of change. First I thought I'd only have to deal with Sheng leaving and the prospect of a 6 year long distance relationship. Looks like I didn't really put the reality of me leaving as well in the forefront of my mind. But now that the exchange results are out, I am forced to contemplate my life very much in the future tense.
I was thinking back on my days in PL and how everything was so straight forward. My biggest stresses were well, O levels. And which JC i was going to go to. I had my friends, school, church, parents, teenage angst, teachers etc. Everything was safe and cosy, ensconced within the arms of loving Singapore. Life was peachy. But now, everything and everyone is slipping through the cracks between my fingers. Half of my friends are halfway around the world. Sheng is going away and so am I. Everyone is just flying away, like strands of Claire's fur. But I suppose that's the entire essence of being 20/21. I will never have life like this ever in my life - with futures uncertain, yet so bright, with the opportunity to see the world and with life being one whirlwind of volatile movement. How enrapturing.
I find myself constantly living in the future now. I think of things like, in 1 month Sheng will have started school in Sydney, in 8 months, I will be leaving for Belgium, 1 year from now, I will be in the dead of winter in Belgium, 4 months from now, I might be doing an internship, 5 months from now, Sheng would have finished 1 semester of medical school and will be back, 2 years from now, I might be making a decision about marriage, 2 years from now, I will also be practicing etcetera.
How do you plant yourself in the present when the bulk of your life lies in the future? Yet there are so many things to do in the present. Like reading non-charitable purpose trusts and the Wee Chong Jin Commission and decide if I want to apply for internship and accept my exchange offer and research for LCS and think about Public Law Assignment. (!!)
My heart feels laden. Not particularly stressed or overwhelmed. Ok maybe you could say overwhelmed. But it feels like, plunging a porous sponge into water and then lifting it out of the water while trying to retain all the water in the sponge holes. The lifting the sponge out of water part feels like my heart to me. Just heavy and filled. Filled with lots of things. Uncertainty, fear, worry, excitement, joy, mainly just uncertainty.
I think it is interesting how uncertainty can fill you so much when it in itself is an element of nothingness. Being uncertain is knowing nothing but yet being uncertain engulfs your entire mind. I need God.
It's amazing how this year is such a year of change. First I thought I'd only have to deal with Sheng leaving and the prospect of a 6 year long distance relationship. Looks like I didn't really put the reality of me leaving as well in the forefront of my mind. But now that the exchange results are out, I am forced to contemplate my life very much in the future tense.
I was thinking back on my days in PL and how everything was so straight forward. My biggest stresses were well, O levels. And which JC i was going to go to. I had my friends, school, church, parents, teenage angst, teachers etc. Everything was safe and cosy, ensconced within the arms of loving Singapore. Life was peachy. But now, everything and everyone is slipping through the cracks between my fingers. Half of my friends are halfway around the world. Sheng is going away and so am I. Everyone is just flying away, like strands of Claire's fur. But I suppose that's the entire essence of being 20/21. I will never have life like this ever in my life - with futures uncertain, yet so bright, with the opportunity to see the world and with life being one whirlwind of volatile movement. How enrapturing.
I find myself constantly living in the future now. I think of things like, in 1 month Sheng will have started school in Sydney, in 8 months, I will be leaving for Belgium, 1 year from now, I will be in the dead of winter in Belgium, 4 months from now, I might be doing an internship, 5 months from now, Sheng would have finished 1 semester of medical school and will be back, 2 years from now, I might be making a decision about marriage, 2 years from now, I will also be practicing etcetera.
How do you plant yourself in the present when the bulk of your life lies in the future? Yet there are so many things to do in the present. Like reading non-charitable purpose trusts and the Wee Chong Jin Commission and decide if I want to apply for internship and accept my exchange offer and research for LCS and think about Public Law Assignment. (!!)
My heart feels laden. Not particularly stressed or overwhelmed. Ok maybe you could say overwhelmed. But it feels like, plunging a porous sponge into water and then lifting it out of the water while trying to retain all the water in the sponge holes. The lifting the sponge out of water part feels like my heart to me. Just heavy and filled. Filled with lots of things. Uncertainty, fear, worry, excitement, joy, mainly just uncertainty.
I think it is interesting how uncertainty can fill you so much when it in itself is an element of nothingness. Being uncertain is knowing nothing but yet being uncertain engulfs your entire mind. I need God.
Friday, January 25, 2008
too old too fast
Look what I found on Youtube! RJC batch dance '08! I HATE batch dances! The only good thing about this was that there was no semblance of that hideous thing called "running man", which I could not do to save my life. Haha.
The first thing that came to my mind when I saw this was, eh.. what happened to all the cool people? These kids really look daaamn enthusiastic to be doing all these hand actions. Why couldn't they have employed like the people from dance club to do the video or something. How uninspiring for an orientation clip.
The second thing that came to my mind was... omg these kids are so young. They're my brother's age. And I thought I graduated not too long ago.
The third thing that came to my mind was.. why do they always have to make us dance with boys! I hated having to do that. What if the boy you pair up with is smelly? You have to hold hands and blow flying kisses etcetera! yuck!
I still remember the "sun dance" and "rain dance" and dunno what nonsense dance we had to do in JC. And apparently at the end of the camp everyone had to go to some public area near the esplanade and DANCE. Omg so lame. Thank God my brother's birthday was that night. haha! Sheng, I know you went for that public dance thing and all of you got chased away by the security guard! Haha.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
teenagers.
“I actually love teenagers.
I think when they are thirteen,
however, you should put them
in a barrel and feed them
through a hole with a straw.
And when they turn fifteen, you
should plug up the hole
and let them die.”
Mark Twain
Sometimes. That's exactly what I wanna do to my cell group kids.
Morbid. But true.
I think when they are thirteen,
however, you should put them
in a barrel and feed them
through a hole with a straw.
And when they turn fifteen, you
should plug up the hole
and let them die.”
Mark Twain
Sometimes. That's exactly what I wanna do to my cell group kids.
Morbid. But true.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
still living like it's yesterday...
Since my timetable provides for a long weekend with no school on Friday, we decided that it was time to be off to get some food.
Samy's Curry!
Finally. Satisfying my craving since um.. Thursday. haha.
Yum!
Presenting to you... ORD boy! yay! This was a craving satisyfing cum ord celebration lunch. Haha. convenient excuse to eat more.
Yes, very happy with my fish head curry indeed.
ORD boy concentrating.
And eating.
Then it was time to study for a while before going to church for cell. But I got so bored so I had to do this to my face.
Mr Concentration. Very annoyed with me.
Trying to read Thio Li-Ann's article. But er.. gave up after lex rex and rex lex, page 2. haha. damnit.
Oh val! and now that you're gone, im suddenly remembering all the places i should have brought you to eat at! Like Samy's Curry is one and Ivins is the other. My god you're like some tourist la. Anyway, when you next come back we shall go have some fish head curry. yay!
Samy's Curry!
Finally. Satisfying my craving since um.. Thursday. haha.
Yum!
Presenting to you... ORD boy! yay! This was a craving satisyfing cum ord celebration lunch. Haha. convenient excuse to eat more.
Yes, very happy with my fish head curry indeed.
ORD boy concentrating.
And eating.
Then it was time to study for a while before going to church for cell. But I got so bored so I had to do this to my face.
Mr Concentration. Very annoyed with me.
Trying to read Thio Li-Ann's article. But er.. gave up after lex rex and rex lex, page 2. haha. damnit.
Oh val! and now that you're gone, im suddenly remembering all the places i should have brought you to eat at! Like Samy's Curry is one and Ivins is the other. My god you're like some tourist la. Anyway, when you next come back we shall go have some fish head curry. yay!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Some Updates
On the last day of my holidays, I did a very exciting Singaporean thing. Go and check out T3. Hahaha. The first thing we did when we parked the car was to ask, why are there so many cars here? Anyway, T3 only services a few airlines for now. Then we went inside and realized. Half of Singapore had decided to pay a visit too! Like us! Haha.
Anyway, there were loads of families just milling around and one million children running all over the place trying to kill themselves by hanging over banisters and jumping down stairs. Yikes. Hate kids. And loads of malay families with mother,father, brother, sister, uncle aunty, 3rd cousin, 4th nephew, godma, grandparents and god grandparents sitting all together at the viewing mall, short of a tent and bbq pit and some of that East Coast sea breeze.
The Singaporean crowds aside, T3 looked like something straight out of an artist's impression drawing.
See what I mean?
Super big, sparse, bright, fluorescent.
Loads of fake plants hanging from everywhere fused with futuristic structures
Departure.
Really looks like a drawing. Can't stand it.
See, loads of space! I don't understand how space constrained Singapore finds the space for This!
This is Brewerkz with its large beer canisters. So happening one, they have brewerkz in the pre-departure hall.
And Gelare! If I ever fly from T3 I will check in 2 hours earlier to shop and eat at all the restaurants. Haha. Ben Liew says must go on Tuesday then can get waffles at half price.. sheesh.
Futuristic and purposeless water feature in the centre. But it makes the whole place look nice and er.. flow-ey.
I think this is the ultimate artist's impression picture. Haha. It does not look like it really exists!
This is what makes up the ceiling of T3. Apparently the shafts or whatever you call them are supposed to channel solar energy or something.
And I told you about all the families right. These people aren't waiting for arrivals. They're local tourists. Like us!
Anyway school has started and is already starting to deplete my energy. Thank God I don't have to go to school on Fridays. School is just quite tiring. I mentioned to someone the other day that i've never been in a school environment where I don't feel comfortable being myself. In secondary school everyone was just well, typically girls' schoolish and mad and crazy and what not. In JC, school was too big to bother to hang out with anyone other than people you were comfortable with. So val and I just spent our days together and I think my class was made up of a rare bunch of very unpretentious people. So it was great. But now, everyone comes with their own baggage cos we are older. And everyone has been through a shitload of stuff before coming into uni and meeting each other. So we all start off trying to get to know and understand each other with all these layers and layers to us. As a result, it becomes so hard to be yourself around people because it's just so hard to really know the core of the person. Everyone has developed their own minds, judgments, critiques, ways of thinking and it's just that much easier to be misunderstood. Plus, you feel like you only know people in one context - law school. Cos you've never seen them with anyone else or anywhere else and everyone's knowledge of everyone is pretty much disjointed. Not like a whole picture. Only few of them you have known since JC or even secondary school and even then, they must have change quite a lot since then.
So stiff and claustrophobic school is. I don't know if anyone feels the same way. But school work wise, I have a feeling this sem is going to be horrid. I feel so inundated with work even though it's only the first week. Probably cos I know very little of what is actually going on. Well, time to kick in my diligent boots and do something about it! Haha.
Bye!
Anyway, there were loads of families just milling around and one million children running all over the place trying to kill themselves by hanging over banisters and jumping down stairs. Yikes. Hate kids. And loads of malay families with mother,father, brother, sister, uncle aunty, 3rd cousin, 4th nephew, godma, grandparents and god grandparents sitting all together at the viewing mall, short of a tent and bbq pit and some of that East Coast sea breeze.
The Singaporean crowds aside, T3 looked like something straight out of an artist's impression drawing.
See what I mean?
Super big, sparse, bright, fluorescent.
Loads of fake plants hanging from everywhere fused with futuristic structures
Departure.
Really looks like a drawing. Can't stand it.
See, loads of space! I don't understand how space constrained Singapore finds the space for This!
This is Brewerkz with its large beer canisters. So happening one, they have brewerkz in the pre-departure hall.
And Gelare! If I ever fly from T3 I will check in 2 hours earlier to shop and eat at all the restaurants. Haha. Ben Liew says must go on Tuesday then can get waffles at half price.. sheesh.
Futuristic and purposeless water feature in the centre. But it makes the whole place look nice and er.. flow-ey.
I think this is the ultimate artist's impression picture. Haha. It does not look like it really exists!
This is what makes up the ceiling of T3. Apparently the shafts or whatever you call them are supposed to channel solar energy or something.
And I told you about all the families right. These people aren't waiting for arrivals. They're local tourists. Like us!
Anyway school has started and is already starting to deplete my energy. Thank God I don't have to go to school on Fridays. School is just quite tiring. I mentioned to someone the other day that i've never been in a school environment where I don't feel comfortable being myself. In secondary school everyone was just well, typically girls' schoolish and mad and crazy and what not. In JC, school was too big to bother to hang out with anyone other than people you were comfortable with. So val and I just spent our days together and I think my class was made up of a rare bunch of very unpretentious people. So it was great. But now, everyone comes with their own baggage cos we are older. And everyone has been through a shitload of stuff before coming into uni and meeting each other. So we all start off trying to get to know and understand each other with all these layers and layers to us. As a result, it becomes so hard to be yourself around people because it's just so hard to really know the core of the person. Everyone has developed their own minds, judgments, critiques, ways of thinking and it's just that much easier to be misunderstood. Plus, you feel like you only know people in one context - law school. Cos you've never seen them with anyone else or anywhere else and everyone's knowledge of everyone is pretty much disjointed. Not like a whole picture. Only few of them you have known since JC or even secondary school and even then, they must have change quite a lot since then.
So stiff and claustrophobic school is. I don't know if anyone feels the same way. But school work wise, I have a feeling this sem is going to be horrid. I feel so inundated with work even though it's only the first week. Probably cos I know very little of what is actually going on. Well, time to kick in my diligent boots and do something about it! Haha.
Bye!
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