HL Milk

This year has been a year of discovery. And a year of hard truths. I used to think when I was younger, that I wished my life could be perfect all the time. I used to wish that my grades could always be great, my relationship with my family tension-less, my friendships fulfilling, my relationship with my god, smooth.

But then I realized that having a perfect life and being happy is way to scary. Because when you get too happy and when things are going too well, that's when you realize that the end of your bliss is nigh. It's like a roller coaster. You can only stay up for a while. The plummeting down again is an almost surety.

So now, I've decided that I prefer to feel disturbed and unsettled. To not have everything perfect but to always try and make things better. That way at least there's consistency. It's odd because these days, I seem to prefer melancholy to joy or privacy to exuberant expression. Which is very unlike the me I've known for the past 19 years or so.

Maybe it's just part of growing up and discovering. But whatever it is, I like it. In spite of feeling unsettled and disturbed, I feel an odd sense of -settledness-. I think it's the peace of knowing that you're at least being true to yourself and not trying to make up a life you're actually not living.

I've decided that highs are never good. Whatever they may be. Drug highs, alchohol highs, sugar highs, orgasm highs, emotional highs. They don't last and they fascilitate a low way too easily.

I'd rather glide than fly.