suddenly everything i read or talk about with people who weren't there doesn't seem to catch my attention as much. i used to absorb myself in reading about others' thoughts but that doesn't seem to matter much any more.
i feel sad because i want to share all the visuals, all the memories and all the moments with those who weren't there. but then again, i think that it is no use attempting to replicate something that can never truly be replicated again. so i feel it pointless. but it was such a picture of beauty, of vibrance, of life and bursts of colour.
it's a pity that the glory of the time can only be appreciated by few. i wish there was a way of telling the select few how beautiful it was though, of conveying through rich pictures and choice words.
hopefully the excitement will not wear down and i will be able to find the same zeal to talk about it weeks on, the way i have in these last few hours.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Pre-Birthday Preparations!
Today, I enlisted the help of mom and Reuben to attempt to bake an apple crumble for dad's birthday tomorrow! We snuck into the kitchen while he was sleeping. Haha.
Modern baking! No more handwritten recipes. In 2008, we use laptops to bake.
And online step-by-step videos! Haha. Des sent me the vid, it looked super duper easy and idiot-proof. Hah! We'll see about that. And don't you think the apples are like Damn Green?! They tasted damn yummy.
Mom paring the apples. Wha paring is seriously like damn hard. Especially since the pare instrument in my house is damn lousy. I was damn scared I would just pare off an entire finger! So I resorted to dicing the apples.
That was until Reuben experienced some flour problems. We told him to go weigh the flour and then pour it into the sieve and sieve it. After weighing it, he poured it into the sieve and said,
"eh! why is it not going down?!" HAHA! We turned to look at realized that he expected the whole bunch of flour to immediately go through the tiny holes in the sieve. omg.
Then we told him you have to shake the sieve slowly. He decided it was taking forever and took over my job at dicing apples.
So after my excellent sieving skills, here is the result - nice pure mound of flour. haha.
mom and preubs.
diced apples! yummy!
Stewed apples!
Now time for the crumble part of the apple crumble. Reuben and his blocks of butter. Haha. I forgot to take a picture of the final result of the crumble. Cos my hands were damn dirty.
Dishing out the apples onto the glass dish.
And that's all! For now. I don't have a picture of the final result cos it's still baking! Cross my fingers and hope it turns out normal. Ok going to check on it now! bye!
Modern baking! No more handwritten recipes. In 2008, we use laptops to bake.
And online step-by-step videos! Haha. Des sent me the vid, it looked super duper easy and idiot-proof. Hah! We'll see about that. And don't you think the apples are like Damn Green?! They tasted damn yummy.
Mom paring the apples. Wha paring is seriously like damn hard. Especially since the pare instrument in my house is damn lousy. I was damn scared I would just pare off an entire finger! So I resorted to dicing the apples.
That was until Reuben experienced some flour problems. We told him to go weigh the flour and then pour it into the sieve and sieve it. After weighing it, he poured it into the sieve and said,
"eh! why is it not going down?!" HAHA! We turned to look at realized that he expected the whole bunch of flour to immediately go through the tiny holes in the sieve. omg.
Then we told him you have to shake the sieve slowly. He decided it was taking forever and took over my job at dicing apples.
So after my excellent sieving skills, here is the result - nice pure mound of flour. haha.
mom and preubs.
diced apples! yummy!
Stewed apples!
Now time for the crumble part of the apple crumble. Reuben and his blocks of butter. Haha. I forgot to take a picture of the final result of the crumble. Cos my hands were damn dirty.
Dishing out the apples onto the glass dish.
And that's all! For now. I don't have a picture of the final result cos it's still baking! Cross my fingers and hope it turns out normal. Ok going to check on it now! bye!
Monday, April 28, 2008
this one is for YOU
hello
today marks 4 years.
the last time we celebrated this was well, actually, never. haha.
so it's just as well that you called this morning and neither of us said a thing.
but i remembered just now and smiled to myself.
because after 4 years
after everything and everything and Everything,
i still rly rly like you
a lot.
more than i rly say to anyone, maybe even you.
thank you for being a part of my life. i am so much happier because of it.
hehe -grin-
today marks 4 years.
the last time we celebrated this was well, actually, never. haha.
so it's just as well that you called this morning and neither of us said a thing.
but i remembered just now and smiled to myself.
because after 4 years
after everything and everything and Everything,
i still rly rly like you
a lot.
more than i rly say to anyone, maybe even you.
thank you for being a part of my life. i am so much happier because of it.
hehe -grin-
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
pinch me.
Last week, on Idol Gives Back (ok don't judge me for watching American Idol. It's a way cool show. Haha), the idols closed the 3-hour long show with a finale (complete with pyrotechniques and everything) singing Shout to the Lord.
Here is the video.
It was a very, very strange and surreal moment for me. I have been singing Shout to the Lord in church ever since I don't know when. And to hear that being sung by a bunch of American Idols, on American Idol was just weird. In a good way. The interesting thing about it was
1) they chose it as the finale song
2) they did not change the arrangement of the song (same standard stuff people do in church, verse, chorus, verse chorus chorus last line x3)
3) they did not jazz it up the way they did "this little light of mine" in some of the earlier episodes
4) shout to the lord is a distinctively worship song written by Darlene Zscheche for HIllsongs Australia and is sung in churches as a song of worship. It is quite different from "Jesus take the Wheel" or "You Lift me Up"
And to add to that, they even sang it again on the results show the next day (back by popular demand). Isn't that just odd? What does Shout to the Lord have to do with raising money for AIDS infected Africans? I don't know. What does Shout to the Lord have to do with Anything on American Idol? I don't know! In any case, I suppose it's a very good thing. I for one, found the performance very -edifying-.
The things that puzzled me was how did Simon Fuller get the non-Christian idols to sing something that was so personally and clearly Christian? Some part of the lyrics go "Shout to the Lord all the earth, let us sing, power and majesty praise to the King, mountains bow down and the hills will roar at the sound of your name... I sing for joy at the work of your hand, forever I love you forever I stand..."
"Forever I love you"? So declaratory! How do you get someone who's not in the faith to sing something like that? A good thing still to me, I guess.
Either Simon Fuller just had a full-fledged Jesus encounter, or I really don't know what any more. Haha. But all is good for me!
Here is the video.
It was a very, very strange and surreal moment for me. I have been singing Shout to the Lord in church ever since I don't know when. And to hear that being sung by a bunch of American Idols, on American Idol was just weird. In a good way. The interesting thing about it was
1) they chose it as the finale song
2) they did not change the arrangement of the song (same standard stuff people do in church, verse, chorus, verse chorus chorus last line x3)
3) they did not jazz it up the way they did "this little light of mine" in some of the earlier episodes
4) shout to the lord is a distinctively worship song written by Darlene Zscheche for HIllsongs Australia and is sung in churches as a song of worship. It is quite different from "Jesus take the Wheel" or "You Lift me Up"
And to add to that, they even sang it again on the results show the next day (back by popular demand). Isn't that just odd? What does Shout to the Lord have to do with raising money for AIDS infected Africans? I don't know. What does Shout to the Lord have to do with Anything on American Idol? I don't know! In any case, I suppose it's a very good thing. I for one, found the performance very -edifying-.
The things that puzzled me was how did Simon Fuller get the non-Christian idols to sing something that was so personally and clearly Christian? Some part of the lyrics go "Shout to the Lord all the earth, let us sing, power and majesty praise to the King, mountains bow down and the hills will roar at the sound of your name... I sing for joy at the work of your hand, forever I love you forever I stand..."
"Forever I love you"? So declaratory! How do you get someone who's not in the faith to sing something like that? A good thing still to me, I guess.
Either Simon Fuller just had a full-fledged Jesus encounter, or I really don't know what any more. Haha. But all is good for me!
Friday, April 11, 2008
flat.
Was just reading back some of my posts in Feburary - pre Sheng's departure. As I read them I felt strangely detached from all those words rolling along on the screen. I don't know why, but I could not recapture any of the fear, worry, anxiety and uncertainty that seemed to consume me at that time. And guess what, it was only about 1 month or 2 ago.
Now that all I had anticipated has finally happened, it's like all the build up just fell flat. Not even a swooshing drop from a height but just .
Flat like that. I can't even describe it as an anti-climatic cos the build up of anticipation never got to a climax anyway. I suppose a lot of the melodramatic thinking that you occupy yourself with is really quite pointless and unfounded because none of what I expected to happened turned out in reality. I'm still pretty normal, sane, I have not really had a major catharsis save for a few cries, no sinking depression or sense of absolute despairing loss. There were the moments of course but none so prominent and intense that I can actually remember and want to give expression to now.
And it disturbs me that I cannot identify with my own writing. It's either 1) I'm not writing what I really think (I really hope not) or 2) I forget bad emotions easily. It could very well be 2). I realized that about myself - how I don't really remember pain, or worry, or anxiety, or sadness. I have no idea why. When I think back on bad experiences in my life, it is difficult to talk about it because it appears like an opaque blotch in my memory. I can make out its shape and I can see it there - I know what it is. But I cannot describe it beyond that because it is a blotch and it is opaque and I can't see details or make out its distinct shape.
Why is it like that with me? I wonder if I'm the only one and everyone else acutely remembers pain and suffering. because strangely, I don't. And it's quite bad because times of pain and suffering are probably times when I've learnt most. Instead I remember inane happy things like, bicycle rides in the botanics. And my memory is marked by colours like what dress I wore on that occassion and how the ice cream tasted on the other.
...
Now that all I had anticipated has finally happened, it's like all the build up just fell flat. Not even a swooshing drop from a height but just .
Flat like that. I can't even describe it as an anti-climatic cos the build up of anticipation never got to a climax anyway. I suppose a lot of the melodramatic thinking that you occupy yourself with is really quite pointless and unfounded because none of what I expected to happened turned out in reality. I'm still pretty normal, sane, I have not really had a major catharsis save for a few cries, no sinking depression or sense of absolute despairing loss. There were the moments of course but none so prominent and intense that I can actually remember and want to give expression to now.
And it disturbs me that I cannot identify with my own writing. It's either 1) I'm not writing what I really think (I really hope not) or 2) I forget bad emotions easily. It could very well be 2). I realized that about myself - how I don't really remember pain, or worry, or anxiety, or sadness. I have no idea why. When I think back on bad experiences in my life, it is difficult to talk about it because it appears like an opaque blotch in my memory. I can make out its shape and I can see it there - I know what it is. But I cannot describe it beyond that because it is a blotch and it is opaque and I can't see details or make out its distinct shape.
Why is it like that with me? I wonder if I'm the only one and everyone else acutely remembers pain and suffering. because strangely, I don't. And it's quite bad because times of pain and suffering are probably times when I've learnt most. Instead I remember inane happy things like, bicycle rides in the botanics. And my memory is marked by colours like what dress I wore on that occassion and how the ice cream tasted on the other.
...
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
technology !
wow!! I just discovered the wonders of SKIM (thank you Kennedy!) ! Omg I feel so happy and excited!
I can now highlight all pdf documents, I can even type in my own additional thoughts and notes and it's all encapsulated in one neat "note" or "comment" icon and I just have to click on it and my notes will appear! Amazing! Gone are the days of using ugly red oval annotate tools to highlight my pdf articles! I can now read all my articles with ease on the laptop without constantly feeling the nagging need to print everything out!
Omg I'm so happy! bbbwtegwiuehdweyqwhq!
I can now highlight all pdf documents, I can even type in my own additional thoughts and notes and it's all encapsulated in one neat "note" or "comment" icon and I just have to click on it and my notes will appear! Amazing! Gone are the days of using ugly red oval annotate tools to highlight my pdf articles! I can now read all my articles with ease on the laptop without constantly feeling the nagging need to print everything out!
Omg I'm so happy! bbbwtegwiuehdweyqwhq!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
an army of army men
WOW! This morning, on my way to school, along Lornie Road, Special Operations Command men were lined up along the whole stretch of road, surrounding the forested area, as if they were waiting for Mas Selamat to burst out of the forest and run onto the oncoming traffic on Lornie! Hahahah. Yesterday on my way to school and on my way home I also saw the same thing around the Spring Leaf forested area. Why do they still think Mas Selamat is hiding out in the forests of Singapore? As in, they Honestly Really still bona fide believe that! They sent like half the country's men to stand at the periphery of the forest! Haha!
The best part was, when we turned into Sime Road. There was a diversion and we were asked to step out of our car and open the front bonnet. But not the boot! The front bonnet?? Hello! How do you hide a man in the engine! Unless they thought we had already chopped Mas Selamat up and were hiding his individual body parts. Hahahha.
Then as we proceeded along Sime Road, you know the part where ou drive past the cemetary? We began to spot many many many more army guys in their camouflage uniform! It was like watching gulliver's travels or something, I don't know! I must say their uniform really camouflages very well because I had quite a fun time trying to pick them out in the forest! (it was not very easy, especially when the car is moving along fast). Then suddenly, from a few specks of army uniforms in the forest, they just suddenly filled up the entire road! And they actually had to mobilize themselves to move aside so that the cars could pass.
So many people at the periphery of the forest waiting for Mas Selamat to jump out! Cannot believe it!
Saturday, March 8, 2008
i want chocolate cake
This has been my mantra for the past 1.5 weeks.
Am sincerely resisting the urge to drive down to awfully chocolate and get 1 cake. For myself. Hahaha.
Am sincerely resisting the urge to drive down to awfully chocolate and get 1 cake. For myself. Hahaha.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
'what a sick way of examining someone'
cold rainy mornings like these.
make me silently happy inside.
because while i sit in my chair and await my 24 hour test.
i know the rest of the world is not at their best.
there is no sun to come out and play.
and no brightness in the day.
which makes me think 12pm is further away from now than it actually is.
and i still have loads of time to read gray and finish this.
'a 24-hour test! what a sick way of examining someone'
make me silently happy inside.
because while i sit in my chair and await my 24 hour test.
i know the rest of the world is not at their best.
there is no sun to come out and play.
and no brightness in the day.
which makes me think 12pm is further away from now than it actually is.
and i still have loads of time to read gray and finish this.
'a 24-hour test! what a sick way of examining someone'
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
leap years!
Today is February the 29th. And therefore, I just HAVE to write something.
Hmm. Let me see. I don't really have anything to say except that, I watched Leap Years today! Woo hoo! On the leap year date! That has got to be the coolest thing I've done since 2008.
*yay*
The show was quite nice and pleasant and decent, considering it was a local production with 3/4non-local cast. I was just annoyed by the fact that they used different actors to portray the young and old Li-Ann and the young and old Jeremy. Like why coudln't they have just aged Wong Li Lin and goatie boy?
Oh and the other thing I had trouble with was reconciling the fact that they met 3 times in 12 years and decided they loved each other and got married. And also the fact that they had sex the second time they met and after that he told her he has a daughter. (!!) After which she went home and sobbed uncontrollably about her wrecked life (oh no, am I spoiling the show for anyone? hope not. haha). The most difficult part to understand for me was how the characters didn't seem to change after every 4 years. I mean sure, people got divorced and married and had kids but, what about your person? I regret not seeing the characters mature and grow over the years. It just seemed like a static linear progression of time and every February 29th was just another -special- day.
Anyways, this is the end of my post.
Goodnight!
Hmm. Let me see. I don't really have anything to say except that, I watched Leap Years today! Woo hoo! On the leap year date! That has got to be the coolest thing I've done since 2008.
*yay*
The show was quite nice and pleasant and decent, considering it was a local production with 3/4non-local cast. I was just annoyed by the fact that they used different actors to portray the young and old Li-Ann and the young and old Jeremy. Like why coudln't they have just aged Wong Li Lin and goatie boy?
Oh and the other thing I had trouble with was reconciling the fact that they met 3 times in 12 years and decided they loved each other and got married. And also the fact that they had sex the second time they met and after that he told her he has a daughter. (!!) After which she went home and sobbed uncontrollably about her wrecked life (oh no, am I spoiling the show for anyone? hope not. haha). The most difficult part to understand for me was how the characters didn't seem to change after every 4 years. I mean sure, people got divorced and married and had kids but, what about your person? I regret not seeing the characters mature and grow over the years. It just seemed like a static linear progression of time and every February 29th was just another -special- day.
Anyways, this is the end of my post.
Goodnight!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
whee!
Last Friday, Sheng called me to tell me that a huge wave crashed down on him at the beach and he consequently lost his glasses to the seas. He then proceeded to tell me that the wave took him completely under and it also pulled down his shorts. (haha!!). So instinctively, he hung on to his shorts and didn't mind his glasses. So.. he lost $500 on his glasses but kept his negligible cost shorts. (...)
On hindsight, if I were a man, I would rather lose my dignity for a few seconds than lose $500 and a pair of really new and good specs. But it's interesting how human instinct works. It forces you to protect your dignity. My father says that when things like that happen, your instinct tells you what's important without you having to even articulate or think about it. I suppose that is true. But I would still rather keep my specs and lose my shorts. Haha.
But that's not the point of me typing all this!
The optical shop in Sg has gone to great lengths to find the same frame. And those undying efforts took them all the way to... Hong Kong! So they've found the exact same frame in Hong Kong. Why on earth it is so difficult to find a replica of a simple spectacles frame is beyond me. But in any case, I just am happy they found it. Thank God! So now I just have to wait for the Hong Kong people to ship it over and for the optical shop to make the lens and fit it to the frame and then I can ship it to Sydney! What efforts just for a pair of spectacles, really, a reasonably prudent man would not believe it!
When my dad and I told my mom over dinner today that...
"Hey mom. They found Sheng's specs in Hong Kong"
Mom: "Huh! You mean the specs was washed all the way to HOng Kong? How did they know who it belonged to?"
uh...
On hindsight, if I were a man, I would rather lose my dignity for a few seconds than lose $500 and a pair of really new and good specs. But it's interesting how human instinct works. It forces you to protect your dignity. My father says that when things like that happen, your instinct tells you what's important without you having to even articulate or think about it. I suppose that is true. But I would still rather keep my specs and lose my shorts. Haha.
But that's not the point of me typing all this!
The optical shop in Sg has gone to great lengths to find the same frame. And those undying efforts took them all the way to... Hong Kong! So they've found the exact same frame in Hong Kong. Why on earth it is so difficult to find a replica of a simple spectacles frame is beyond me. But in any case, I just am happy they found it. Thank God! So now I just have to wait for the Hong Kong people to ship it over and for the optical shop to make the lens and fit it to the frame and then I can ship it to Sydney! What efforts just for a pair of spectacles, really, a reasonably prudent man would not believe it!
When my dad and I told my mom over dinner today that...
"Hey mom. They found Sheng's specs in Hong Kong"
Mom: "Huh! You mean the specs was washed all the way to HOng Kong? How did they know who it belonged to?"
uh...
swoosh!
Photos from my mad hectic week that was uh.. 2 weeks ago. haha. 2 weeks later, and still no change in the mad hectic part.
Samy's Curry, which I promised Val when she comes back.
And after that, Andrea's 21st! We were supposed to come in florals but clearly, the birthday girl didn't even bother adhering to her own rules.
Poor Fart had to dig up some cow girl-esque floral top. Sigh.
Happy Birthday Andrea! Cupcakes from Cupcake Momma (?) who really is quite the momma. She must be licking a tad too much of that gorgeous icing. Unfortunately, that's the only gorgeous thing about the cupcakes. The cake part of it was uh... dry as the gobi.
Fart couldn't keep her hands away from her catering. She was spotted dutifully arranging napkins, laying out cups, mixing sauces and of course... stirring the drinks!
Birthday girl and the birthday cake that she did not really want. Haha.
1st half of the PL girls.
The second half of the mama gang.
Trying to work the cupcake momma!
hehehe.
Viewing the scrap book mama gang put together for her.
(:
Group shot!
There! It's a gathering of the PL-lites. Only when Andrea is around is this ever possible. You are the string that ties us all together, drea. hahaha
Happy (belated) Birthday girl! I know you're having a far more splendid time in Perth. with kai and your new house. haha.
Samy's Curry, which I promised Val when she comes back.
And after that, Andrea's 21st! We were supposed to come in florals but clearly, the birthday girl didn't even bother adhering to her own rules.
Poor Fart had to dig up some cow girl-esque floral top. Sigh.
Happy Birthday Andrea! Cupcakes from Cupcake Momma (?) who really is quite the momma. She must be licking a tad too much of that gorgeous icing. Unfortunately, that's the only gorgeous thing about the cupcakes. The cake part of it was uh... dry as the gobi.
Fart couldn't keep her hands away from her catering. She was spotted dutifully arranging napkins, laying out cups, mixing sauces and of course... stirring the drinks!
Birthday girl and the birthday cake that she did not really want. Haha.
1st half of the PL girls.
The second half of the mama gang.
Trying to work the cupcake momma!
hehehe.
Viewing the scrap book mama gang put together for her.
(:
Group shot!
There! It's a gathering of the PL-lites. Only when Andrea is around is this ever possible. You are the string that ties us all together, drea. hahaha
Happy (belated) Birthday girl! I know you're having a far more splendid time in Perth. with kai and your new house. haha.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
beautiful
There is something very beautiful about humility.
There is also something very beautiful about eager curiosity.
An ever-learning and growing person is always undoubtedly attractive.
There is also something quite enchanting about child-like fascination manifested in a full-grown person.
These are all just simple things that we were once possessively filled with as children. But we lost all this charm and beauty along the way. We lost the ability to charge forward like we were right all the time and yet to blink in silent, unworded innocence when we were sharply pointed to be in the wrong.
Now we aggressively defend ourselves with way too many words and take intrepid steps forward like we're waiting to be told we're wrong. We are no longer brazen and of good courage. We are afraid and whatever courage we have in us is falsely manufactured for appearances' sake. We no longer seek to discover and play the treasure hunt. We want to know only because we have to.
We are not real and beautiful anymore and how sad that is.
There is also something very beautiful about eager curiosity.
An ever-learning and growing person is always undoubtedly attractive.
There is also something quite enchanting about child-like fascination manifested in a full-grown person.
These are all just simple things that we were once possessively filled with as children. But we lost all this charm and beauty along the way. We lost the ability to charge forward like we were right all the time and yet to blink in silent, unworded innocence when we were sharply pointed to be in the wrong.
Now we aggressively defend ourselves with way too many words and take intrepid steps forward like we're waiting to be told we're wrong. We are no longer brazen and of good courage. We are afraid and whatever courage we have in us is falsely manufactured for appearances' sake. We no longer seek to discover and play the treasure hunt. We want to know only because we have to.
We are not real and beautiful anymore and how sad that is.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
2 deaths and an anniversary.. and then God
The uncertainty and fragility of life is really sinking to the pit of my stomach. I feel so weighted.
Uncertainty and fragility are both things you cannot hold in the cup of your hands. They are both things you cannot hold even if you spread your fingers apart as far as possible and tried to grasp or squeeze. Do you know how scary it is when you cannot hold on to something? It's very scary. It's like not being able to reach for a grip when falling off a cliff. It's like losing hold of a 3-month old baby and watching it drop to the floor, it's like not being able to hold an aeroplane down from taking off, it's like not being able to catch someone's breath in your palm and keep it for another day so they'd live longer. It's like a sudden mistake and it's like being out of control. Freak accident.
When we hear that so and so has passed, our trained natural response is, 'oh that's so sad'. And we say that because we know at the back of our minds that it really is sad. Losing a life is not something capable of not being sad about (sorry for the double negative). But do we really know what it feels like? To face the reality of living with a death? I don't know. Does it make it better if it was expected? I don't know either. I think the pain is just different but not necessarily less.
Waiting for a sick person to die is very much like waiting for anything imminent in life to happen. You live in prescience. Maybe you wake up everyday knowing at the back of your mind that this might be the last day with the person, or knowing that the end is drawing near. You do normal everyday things like eat, sleep, work but you keep reminding yourself that one day, soon, the person isn't going to be there to do all these things with you. You think all these thoughts maybe you prepare yourself for the time you know will come. But when it does come, it's like some nightmare came true. Like all those dull antecedent thoughts stored at the back of your head and heart for the rainy day are now realities you actually have to deal with. Isn't that scary?
Having so many deaths surround me at the time he is preparing to leave, leaves me with the very morbid temptation of drawing parallels between the two phenomenon - leaving and dying. Waiting for someone to die, waiting for someone to leave. The thought process is quite the same. The sense of foreboding imminence is the same, albeit less tragic. The element of preparation, of bracing. The rude shock of all you've been contemplating being effected into real life. It is very much the same. And it is a very sadistic parallelism that I really do not want to make. But the idea of death engulfs my mind now and I cannot help myself.
I am afraid that my obsession with being mentally and emotionally prepared for everything bad will be my downfall. It's really quite a rude awakening when all these thoughts you've been storing start to be realized in real life. It's like how when you constantly dream about getting a tad too many Bs in your A levels and the freakish results really happen. It's like. Omg I can't believe this is actually happening, help.
My mind is really my greatest battlefield.
#
"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink;
nor about your body, what you will put on.
Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns;
yet Your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not of more value than they?....
Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven,
Will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
But seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."
- Matthew 6:25-33
"I will lift my eyes unto to the hills -
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord
Who made heaven and earth."
- Psalm 121:1
I exalt you Lord, over my thoughts and heart.
Uncertainty and fragility are both things you cannot hold in the cup of your hands. They are both things you cannot hold even if you spread your fingers apart as far as possible and tried to grasp or squeeze. Do you know how scary it is when you cannot hold on to something? It's very scary. It's like not being able to reach for a grip when falling off a cliff. It's like losing hold of a 3-month old baby and watching it drop to the floor, it's like not being able to hold an aeroplane down from taking off, it's like not being able to catch someone's breath in your palm and keep it for another day so they'd live longer. It's like a sudden mistake and it's like being out of control. Freak accident.
When we hear that so and so has passed, our trained natural response is, 'oh that's so sad'. And we say that because we know at the back of our minds that it really is sad. Losing a life is not something capable of not being sad about (sorry for the double negative). But do we really know what it feels like? To face the reality of living with a death? I don't know. Does it make it better if it was expected? I don't know either. I think the pain is just different but not necessarily less.
Waiting for a sick person to die is very much like waiting for anything imminent in life to happen. You live in prescience. Maybe you wake up everyday knowing at the back of your mind that this might be the last day with the person, or knowing that the end is drawing near. You do normal everyday things like eat, sleep, work but you keep reminding yourself that one day, soon, the person isn't going to be there to do all these things with you. You think all these thoughts maybe you prepare yourself for the time you know will come. But when it does come, it's like some nightmare came true. Like all those dull antecedent thoughts stored at the back of your head and heart for the rainy day are now realities you actually have to deal with. Isn't that scary?
Having so many deaths surround me at the time he is preparing to leave, leaves me with the very morbid temptation of drawing parallels between the two phenomenon - leaving and dying. Waiting for someone to die, waiting for someone to leave. The thought process is quite the same. The sense of foreboding imminence is the same, albeit less tragic. The element of preparation, of bracing. The rude shock of all you've been contemplating being effected into real life. It is very much the same. And it is a very sadistic parallelism that I really do not want to make. But the idea of death engulfs my mind now and I cannot help myself.
I am afraid that my obsession with being mentally and emotionally prepared for everything bad will be my downfall. It's really quite a rude awakening when all these thoughts you've been storing start to be realized in real life. It's like how when you constantly dream about getting a tad too many Bs in your A levels and the freakish results really happen. It's like. Omg I can't believe this is actually happening, help.
My mind is really my greatest battlefield.
#
"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink;
nor about your body, what you will put on.
Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns;
yet Your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not of more value than they?....
Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven,
Will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
But seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."
- Matthew 6:25-33
"I will lift my eyes unto to the hills -
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord
Who made heaven and earth."
- Psalm 121:1
I exalt you Lord, over my thoughts and heart.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
change and the time machine
So I'll be in Belgium for 1 whole year!
It's amazing how this year is such a year of change. First I thought I'd only have to deal with Sheng leaving and the prospect of a 6 year long distance relationship. Looks like I didn't really put the reality of me leaving as well in the forefront of my mind. But now that the exchange results are out, I am forced to contemplate my life very much in the future tense.
I was thinking back on my days in PL and how everything was so straight forward. My biggest stresses were well, O levels. And which JC i was going to go to. I had my friends, school, church, parents, teenage angst, teachers etc. Everything was safe and cosy, ensconced within the arms of loving Singapore. Life was peachy. But now, everything and everyone is slipping through the cracks between my fingers. Half of my friends are halfway around the world. Sheng is going away and so am I. Everyone is just flying away, like strands of Claire's fur. But I suppose that's the entire essence of being 20/21. I will never have life like this ever in my life - with futures uncertain, yet so bright, with the opportunity to see the world and with life being one whirlwind of volatile movement. How enrapturing.
I find myself constantly living in the future now. I think of things like, in 1 month Sheng will have started school in Sydney, in 8 months, I will be leaving for Belgium, 1 year from now, I will be in the dead of winter in Belgium, 4 months from now, I might be doing an internship, 5 months from now, Sheng would have finished 1 semester of medical school and will be back, 2 years from now, I might be making a decision about marriage, 2 years from now, I will also be practicing etcetera.
How do you plant yourself in the present when the bulk of your life lies in the future? Yet there are so many things to do in the present. Like reading non-charitable purpose trusts and the Wee Chong Jin Commission and decide if I want to apply for internship and accept my exchange offer and research for LCS and think about Public Law Assignment. (!!)
My heart feels laden. Not particularly stressed or overwhelmed. Ok maybe you could say overwhelmed. But it feels like, plunging a porous sponge into water and then lifting it out of the water while trying to retain all the water in the sponge holes. The lifting the sponge out of water part feels like my heart to me. Just heavy and filled. Filled with lots of things. Uncertainty, fear, worry, excitement, joy, mainly just uncertainty.
I think it is interesting how uncertainty can fill you so much when it in itself is an element of nothingness. Being uncertain is knowing nothing but yet being uncertain engulfs your entire mind. I need God.
It's amazing how this year is such a year of change. First I thought I'd only have to deal with Sheng leaving and the prospect of a 6 year long distance relationship. Looks like I didn't really put the reality of me leaving as well in the forefront of my mind. But now that the exchange results are out, I am forced to contemplate my life very much in the future tense.
I was thinking back on my days in PL and how everything was so straight forward. My biggest stresses were well, O levels. And which JC i was going to go to. I had my friends, school, church, parents, teenage angst, teachers etc. Everything was safe and cosy, ensconced within the arms of loving Singapore. Life was peachy. But now, everything and everyone is slipping through the cracks between my fingers. Half of my friends are halfway around the world. Sheng is going away and so am I. Everyone is just flying away, like strands of Claire's fur. But I suppose that's the entire essence of being 20/21. I will never have life like this ever in my life - with futures uncertain, yet so bright, with the opportunity to see the world and with life being one whirlwind of volatile movement. How enrapturing.
I find myself constantly living in the future now. I think of things like, in 1 month Sheng will have started school in Sydney, in 8 months, I will be leaving for Belgium, 1 year from now, I will be in the dead of winter in Belgium, 4 months from now, I might be doing an internship, 5 months from now, Sheng would have finished 1 semester of medical school and will be back, 2 years from now, I might be making a decision about marriage, 2 years from now, I will also be practicing etcetera.
How do you plant yourself in the present when the bulk of your life lies in the future? Yet there are so many things to do in the present. Like reading non-charitable purpose trusts and the Wee Chong Jin Commission and decide if I want to apply for internship and accept my exchange offer and research for LCS and think about Public Law Assignment. (!!)
My heart feels laden. Not particularly stressed or overwhelmed. Ok maybe you could say overwhelmed. But it feels like, plunging a porous sponge into water and then lifting it out of the water while trying to retain all the water in the sponge holes. The lifting the sponge out of water part feels like my heart to me. Just heavy and filled. Filled with lots of things. Uncertainty, fear, worry, excitement, joy, mainly just uncertainty.
I think it is interesting how uncertainty can fill you so much when it in itself is an element of nothingness. Being uncertain is knowing nothing but yet being uncertain engulfs your entire mind. I need God.
Friday, January 25, 2008
too old too fast
Look what I found on Youtube! RJC batch dance '08! I HATE batch dances! The only good thing about this was that there was no semblance of that hideous thing called "running man", which I could not do to save my life. Haha.
The first thing that came to my mind when I saw this was, eh.. what happened to all the cool people? These kids really look daaamn enthusiastic to be doing all these hand actions. Why couldn't they have employed like the people from dance club to do the video or something. How uninspiring for an orientation clip.
The second thing that came to my mind was... omg these kids are so young. They're my brother's age. And I thought I graduated not too long ago.
The third thing that came to my mind was.. why do they always have to make us dance with boys! I hated having to do that. What if the boy you pair up with is smelly? You have to hold hands and blow flying kisses etcetera! yuck!
I still remember the "sun dance" and "rain dance" and dunno what nonsense dance we had to do in JC. And apparently at the end of the camp everyone had to go to some public area near the esplanade and DANCE. Omg so lame. Thank God my brother's birthday was that night. haha! Sheng, I know you went for that public dance thing and all of you got chased away by the security guard! Haha.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
teenagers.
“I actually love teenagers.
I think when they are thirteen,
however, you should put them
in a barrel and feed them
through a hole with a straw.
And when they turn fifteen, you
should plug up the hole
and let them die.”
Mark Twain
Sometimes. That's exactly what I wanna do to my cell group kids.
Morbid. But true.
I think when they are thirteen,
however, you should put them
in a barrel and feed them
through a hole with a straw.
And when they turn fifteen, you
should plug up the hole
and let them die.”
Mark Twain
Sometimes. That's exactly what I wanna do to my cell group kids.
Morbid. But true.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
still living like it's yesterday...
Since my timetable provides for a long weekend with no school on Friday, we decided that it was time to be off to get some food.
Samy's Curry!
Finally. Satisfying my craving since um.. Thursday. haha.
Yum!
Presenting to you... ORD boy! yay! This was a craving satisyfing cum ord celebration lunch. Haha. convenient excuse to eat more.
Yes, very happy with my fish head curry indeed.
ORD boy concentrating.
And eating.
Then it was time to study for a while before going to church for cell. But I got so bored so I had to do this to my face.
Mr Concentration. Very annoyed with me.
Trying to read Thio Li-Ann's article. But er.. gave up after lex rex and rex lex, page 2. haha. damnit.
Oh val! and now that you're gone, im suddenly remembering all the places i should have brought you to eat at! Like Samy's Curry is one and Ivins is the other. My god you're like some tourist la. Anyway, when you next come back we shall go have some fish head curry. yay!
Samy's Curry!
Finally. Satisfying my craving since um.. Thursday. haha.
Yum!
Presenting to you... ORD boy! yay! This was a craving satisyfing cum ord celebration lunch. Haha. convenient excuse to eat more.
Yes, very happy with my fish head curry indeed.
ORD boy concentrating.
And eating.
Then it was time to study for a while before going to church for cell. But I got so bored so I had to do this to my face.
Mr Concentration. Very annoyed with me.
Trying to read Thio Li-Ann's article. But er.. gave up after lex rex and rex lex, page 2. haha. damnit.
Oh val! and now that you're gone, im suddenly remembering all the places i should have brought you to eat at! Like Samy's Curry is one and Ivins is the other. My god you're like some tourist la. Anyway, when you next come back we shall go have some fish head curry. yay!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Some Updates
On the last day of my holidays, I did a very exciting Singaporean thing. Go and check out T3. Hahaha. The first thing we did when we parked the car was to ask, why are there so many cars here? Anyway, T3 only services a few airlines for now. Then we went inside and realized. Half of Singapore had decided to pay a visit too! Like us! Haha.
Anyway, there were loads of families just milling around and one million children running all over the place trying to kill themselves by hanging over banisters and jumping down stairs. Yikes. Hate kids. And loads of malay families with mother,father, brother, sister, uncle aunty, 3rd cousin, 4th nephew, godma, grandparents and god grandparents sitting all together at the viewing mall, short of a tent and bbq pit and some of that East Coast sea breeze.
The Singaporean crowds aside, T3 looked like something straight out of an artist's impression drawing.
See what I mean?
Super big, sparse, bright, fluorescent.
Loads of fake plants hanging from everywhere fused with futuristic structures
Departure.
Really looks like a drawing. Can't stand it.
See, loads of space! I don't understand how space constrained Singapore finds the space for This!
This is Brewerkz with its large beer canisters. So happening one, they have brewerkz in the pre-departure hall.
And Gelare! If I ever fly from T3 I will check in 2 hours earlier to shop and eat at all the restaurants. Haha. Ben Liew says must go on Tuesday then can get waffles at half price.. sheesh.
Futuristic and purposeless water feature in the centre. But it makes the whole place look nice and er.. flow-ey.
I think this is the ultimate artist's impression picture. Haha. It does not look like it really exists!
This is what makes up the ceiling of T3. Apparently the shafts or whatever you call them are supposed to channel solar energy or something.
And I told you about all the families right. These people aren't waiting for arrivals. They're local tourists. Like us!
Anyway school has started and is already starting to deplete my energy. Thank God I don't have to go to school on Fridays. School is just quite tiring. I mentioned to someone the other day that i've never been in a school environment where I don't feel comfortable being myself. In secondary school everyone was just well, typically girls' schoolish and mad and crazy and what not. In JC, school was too big to bother to hang out with anyone other than people you were comfortable with. So val and I just spent our days together and I think my class was made up of a rare bunch of very unpretentious people. So it was great. But now, everyone comes with their own baggage cos we are older. And everyone has been through a shitload of stuff before coming into uni and meeting each other. So we all start off trying to get to know and understand each other with all these layers and layers to us. As a result, it becomes so hard to be yourself around people because it's just so hard to really know the core of the person. Everyone has developed their own minds, judgments, critiques, ways of thinking and it's just that much easier to be misunderstood. Plus, you feel like you only know people in one context - law school. Cos you've never seen them with anyone else or anywhere else and everyone's knowledge of everyone is pretty much disjointed. Not like a whole picture. Only few of them you have known since JC or even secondary school and even then, they must have change quite a lot since then.
So stiff and claustrophobic school is. I don't know if anyone feels the same way. But school work wise, I have a feeling this sem is going to be horrid. I feel so inundated with work even though it's only the first week. Probably cos I know very little of what is actually going on. Well, time to kick in my diligent boots and do something about it! Haha.
Bye!
Anyway, there were loads of families just milling around and one million children running all over the place trying to kill themselves by hanging over banisters and jumping down stairs. Yikes. Hate kids. And loads of malay families with mother,father, brother, sister, uncle aunty, 3rd cousin, 4th nephew, godma, grandparents and god grandparents sitting all together at the viewing mall, short of a tent and bbq pit and some of that East Coast sea breeze.
The Singaporean crowds aside, T3 looked like something straight out of an artist's impression drawing.
See what I mean?
Super big, sparse, bright, fluorescent.
Loads of fake plants hanging from everywhere fused with futuristic structures
Departure.
Really looks like a drawing. Can't stand it.
See, loads of space! I don't understand how space constrained Singapore finds the space for This!
This is Brewerkz with its large beer canisters. So happening one, they have brewerkz in the pre-departure hall.
And Gelare! If I ever fly from T3 I will check in 2 hours earlier to shop and eat at all the restaurants. Haha. Ben Liew says must go on Tuesday then can get waffles at half price.. sheesh.
Futuristic and purposeless water feature in the centre. But it makes the whole place look nice and er.. flow-ey.
I think this is the ultimate artist's impression picture. Haha. It does not look like it really exists!
This is what makes up the ceiling of T3. Apparently the shafts or whatever you call them are supposed to channel solar energy or something.
And I told you about all the families right. These people aren't waiting for arrivals. They're local tourists. Like us!
Anyway school has started and is already starting to deplete my energy. Thank God I don't have to go to school on Fridays. School is just quite tiring. I mentioned to someone the other day that i've never been in a school environment where I don't feel comfortable being myself. In secondary school everyone was just well, typically girls' schoolish and mad and crazy and what not. In JC, school was too big to bother to hang out with anyone other than people you were comfortable with. So val and I just spent our days together and I think my class was made up of a rare bunch of very unpretentious people. So it was great. But now, everyone comes with their own baggage cos we are older. And everyone has been through a shitload of stuff before coming into uni and meeting each other. So we all start off trying to get to know and understand each other with all these layers and layers to us. As a result, it becomes so hard to be yourself around people because it's just so hard to really know the core of the person. Everyone has developed their own minds, judgments, critiques, ways of thinking and it's just that much easier to be misunderstood. Plus, you feel like you only know people in one context - law school. Cos you've never seen them with anyone else or anywhere else and everyone's knowledge of everyone is pretty much disjointed. Not like a whole picture. Only few of them you have known since JC or even secondary school and even then, they must have change quite a lot since then.
So stiff and claustrophobic school is. I don't know if anyone feels the same way. But school work wise, I have a feeling this sem is going to be horrid. I feel so inundated with work even though it's only the first week. Probably cos I know very little of what is actually going on. Well, time to kick in my diligent boots and do something about it! Haha.
Bye!
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