change and the time machine

So I'll be in Belgium for 1 whole year!

It's amazing how this year is such a year of change. First I thought I'd only have to deal with Sheng leaving and the prospect of a 6 year long distance relationship. Looks like I didn't really put the reality of me leaving as well in the forefront of my mind. But now that the exchange results are out, I am forced to contemplate my life very much in the future tense.

I was thinking back on my days in PL and how everything was so straight forward. My biggest stresses were well, O levels. And which JC i was going to go to. I had my friends, school, church, parents, teenage angst, teachers etc. Everything was safe and cosy, ensconced within the arms of loving Singapore. Life was peachy. But now, everything and everyone is slipping through the cracks between my fingers. Half of my friends are halfway around the world. Sheng is going away and so am I. Everyone is just flying away, like strands of Claire's fur. But I suppose that's the entire essence of being 20/21. I will never have life like this ever in my life - with futures uncertain, yet so bright, with the opportunity to see the world and with life being one whirlwind of volatile movement. How enrapturing.

I find myself constantly living in the future now. I think of things like, in 1 month Sheng will have started school in Sydney, in 8 months, I will be leaving for Belgium, 1 year from now, I will be in the dead of winter in Belgium, 4 months from now, I might be doing an internship, 5 months from now, Sheng would have finished 1 semester of medical school and will be back, 2 years from now, I might be making a decision about marriage, 2 years from now, I will also be practicing etcetera.

How do you plant yourself in the present when the bulk of your life lies in the future? Yet there are so many things to do in the present. Like reading non-charitable purpose trusts and the Wee Chong Jin Commission and decide if I want to apply for internship and accept my exchange offer and research for LCS and think about Public Law Assignment. (!!)

My heart feels laden. Not particularly stressed or overwhelmed. Ok maybe you could say overwhelmed. But it feels like, plunging a porous sponge into water and then lifting it out of the water while trying to retain all the water in the sponge holes. The lifting the sponge out of water part feels like my heart to me. Just heavy and filled. Filled with lots of things. Uncertainty, fear, worry, excitement, joy, mainly just uncertainty.

I think it is interesting how uncertainty can fill you so much when it in itself is an element of nothingness. Being uncertain is knowing nothing but yet being uncertain engulfs your entire mind. I need God.