Was just reading back some of my posts in Feburary - pre Sheng's departure. As I read them I felt strangely detached from all those words rolling along on the screen. I don't know why, but I could not recapture any of the fear, worry, anxiety and uncertainty that seemed to consume me at that time. And guess what, it was only about 1 month or 2 ago.
Now that all I had anticipated has finally happened, it's like all the build up just fell flat. Not even a swooshing drop from a height but just .
Flat like that. I can't even describe it as an anti-climatic cos the build up of anticipation never got to a climax anyway. I suppose a lot of the melodramatic thinking that you occupy yourself with is really quite pointless and unfounded because none of what I expected to happened turned out in reality. I'm still pretty normal, sane, I have not really had a major catharsis save for a few cries, no sinking depression or sense of absolute despairing loss. There were the moments of course but none so prominent and intense that I can actually remember and want to give expression to now.
And it disturbs me that I cannot identify with my own writing. It's either 1) I'm not writing what I really think (I really hope not) or 2) I forget bad emotions easily. It could very well be 2). I realized that about myself - how I don't really remember pain, or worry, or anxiety, or sadness. I have no idea why. When I think back on bad experiences in my life, it is difficult to talk about it because it appears like an opaque blotch in my memory. I can make out its shape and I can see it there - I know what it is. But I cannot describe it beyond that because it is a blotch and it is opaque and I can't see details or make out its distinct shape.
Why is it like that with me? I wonder if I'm the only one and everyone else acutely remembers pain and suffering. because strangely, I don't. And it's quite bad because times of pain and suffering are probably times when I've learnt most. Instead I remember inane happy things like, bicycle rides in the botanics. And my memory is marked by colours like what dress I wore on that occassion and how the ice cream tasted on the other.
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3 comments:
i'm not sure about bad emotions in general, but regarding the normalcy you assume when your boyfriend leaves for uni overseas: i think we subconsciously build walls up to separate ourselves from those emotions and our daily lives. i suppose if we really wanted to we could spend some time thinking about everything that could go wrong, and then we might feel the emotions again, but otherwise, normalcy is the way to go, and it's good that we don't sink into depression etc. i only remember *that* i cried, but not exactly how gut-wrenching it must have felt. perhaps it's a survival instinct.
sarah! yes quite true indeed. i also remember only the act of crying, but sadly, not the emotion that accompanied it. and i was just thinking about it the other day, how these days i seem to be a lot more fine with the distance. then i concluded that it must be because exams are nigh and my mind is very occupied. but if i wanted, i could think about it and allow myself to -feel-. haha.
on a completely random note, i was going to ask you why your blog is christmas themed. ?
haha it's because i felt like a red theme, but this was the only one that was the right shade of red. i refuse to pollute my blog with ads, so i have fewer design themes available. =/
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