the little things

Just got off the phone with Andrea who is finally back from Perth! It sounds a bit retarded but I actually missed her voice! Haha. Like after not talking to her in so long, I thought of PL again, for some reason. Like this image of the PL bus stop came into my mind when I was talking to her. So drama mama. Haha.

One friend back and one paper down. (:

I am one French friend and one Company exam away from true blue Christmas. (:

and it's the little things that make me happy. Like the welcomed grogginess when you first wake up that make you feel like you've rested really well the night before, looking forward to the reprieve of good meals in the day, singaporean -winter- with the cool breezes and all, makes things so much more christmas-ey, bogglific, little chats here and there, the anticipation of christmas, the anticipation of everyone coming home.

but the closer I get to christmas and the end of exams, the less illusory it seems and hence the less exciting. i think anticipation only sustains its adrenalin when the possibility is far-reaching. as it draws nearer and you can actually feel and envision it, it becomes not so exciting anymore.

so i think i should stop thinking about christmas and all my liberties that come with the cessation of exams. i should let it catch me by surprise when it comes.

live in the moment!

bye!

honesty

'Honesty has a beautiful and refreshing simplicity about it. No ulterior motives. No hidden meanings. An absence of hypocrisy, duplicity, political games, and verbal superficiality."

- Charles R. Swindoll

f.r.i.e.n.d.s.

I miss my friends. I really really really miss my friends.

All my best friends are overseas. I think I realized that when Andrea, the last of them, left in August for Aussie. See, Andrea is in Australia, I hardly see Fart cos she's too busy with her jigsaw puzzles and running her father's multi-billion dollar coffee shop and I'm too busy with school and church and the like. Then Val is in stupid strike-infested France. And my cousin is tucked away in the States and probably will hardly ever come back to Singapore cos her parents have relocated to Brussels. wth! Plus she hates Sg and the only friends she has here is. well... me. But I really miss her still.

I just miss going out and eating and being able to be comfortable and Happy with people you're comfortable and happy with. I miss being around people who understand you and whom you understand and Know, and don't have to second-guess at every turn about their half-baked friendships and motives and whatever. I miss just the no-frills friendships.

I just miss being around my genuine friends. Who are all in various parts of the globe. Away from me.

How tragic. Too bad. Too sad! I'll just have to wait till Christmas. Which is why, I Can't Wait. ((:

Come home one and all! Come home!

HELP

This is taking over my life.

Jumping against a sky

What's up with the trend of jumping in the air against a blue blue sky? Almost every compilation of pictures I see on blogs or facebook confirm got at least one picture of trigger happy jumping. And it cannot be against Any background. It Must be against some skyline of sorts. Like what? I don't get it. People actually take the effort to put timer everything and coordinate the whole jumping process and strive to create a picture of utter glee. It's so contrived! You actually have to plan on looking so ecstatically happy to take that one picture. How is that spontaneous and natural?

Once again, the imperceptible effects of advertisement on us. Tut tut.. I bet there was one (or maybe the ubiquitous presence of many) jump-for-joy picture(s) that just catapulted this silly notion into such a fad.

Contrived joy is the way to go! Celebrate it and jump as much as you can! (oh don't forget to take a picture of that while you're at it) (: Tahaha.

every man is an island

Today Reuben and I discovered how unnervingly similar we are in our approach towards friendships. We both don't place too much of an unnecessary premium on them.

Over the years, I've come to realize that I don't divulge much of my problems to my friends. What I do tell them is usually something that I have already resolved and even if I do say anything about on-going problems, it's not in a lamenting sort of way. I just say it more matter-of-factly so as not to invite any unwanted words of advice. It's not that I think lowly of my friends or anything. I just don't see the point in telling everyone everything when all they can tell you is some rubbish advice from their own personal experience. I'd rather someone point me to God. But so far, no one really does that. So I just don't say anything. And I usually self-deal.

Because of my recalcitrance, I think I have developed a more detached than normal attitude towards friendships. I love all my friends, I really do and I value and treasure all my friendships. I'm just not the sort that needs like nights on end to -emo- to my friends or to cry in front of them and seek their support. In fact, I don't think any one of my friends has ever seen me cry, save for one or two. Like the only time I shed a tear in sec school was when I thought Nu was going to die after eating 60 panadol pills at one go and being found foaming at the mouth on the road. Hur. I suppose when you share problems and expose weaknesses and vulnerabilities you grow this sort of dependence and reliance on people, both of which I have failed to develop. As a result, I don't rely, I don't depend, in fact, if times call for the worst of it, I do believe I can function without friends.

I think many people think that's a horrible thing and it's being terribly self-indulgent to think I am so damn self-sufficient and don't need anyone to survive. But that's not true. Because I need God to survive. And my family. Two things, both of which I already have and will always have.

So I think this awful detachment will serve me a lot of good in the future. Because the world is a lonely place. And everyone will fail you at some point or the other. So all you have at the end of the day is yourself, God and your family. And when things start getting lonely, I will be the only one left standing. muahahaha. (ok kidding)

Some parting words: Trust no one! Hahaha

Mount Pleasant

It's such a pleasant evening. The house is quiet and sparkling clean. I love it at this particular time of the day. No one is at home to mess it up and throw newspapers about or dump mail around or open 4 laptops all over, wires crisscrossing all over the place. It's just neat. The floors slide under your feet because the vacuum has sucked all other adherents up. And they shine like veneers because it's been mopped.

It's just the perfect time of the day. Everything is quiet, clean, peaceful. It's just me and Reuben at home and the maid pruning the plants outside. And I am feeling unusually happy reading about chthonic law. I am also inexplicably calm about the fact that clt is in less than 2 weeks and I just started reading yesterday.

But this is just such a beautiful tranquil piece of the day. I will it to last for as long as I can make it last.

Dichotomy

Last Friday, I attended my first ever Christian related event in law school. It was the Thio Li-Ann talk on minding the gap in the public square or something like that, organized by VCF. I have never attended any one of their prayer meetings, cell groups, gatherings, talks, workshops etc whatever.

When I entered the room, I was very surprised to see so many people there. I didn't know there were so many Christians in law school who would actually bother to come for these things. And it's so interesting cos once I saw them in a Christian setting, some how my impressions of everyone changed. People seem so different in Christian settings compared to secular settings like school. Suddenly everyone takes on this persona of joy gladness and unity - being glad to be unified in the Body of Christ. And everything they appear to be in school and in front of everyone else (all the personality traits, the loudness, the things that each individual is known for in school) takes a back seat to this immediate need to gel with the oneness that is the people of God. It's like there's a sudden unveiling of this uncanny commonality that you never knew existed.

Then the worship started and there was the preliminary strumming of the guitar. And guitar strumming and music immediately strike a chord in my heart and mind that relates me back to church. And then I realized how far away church seemed to me at that point, sitting there in the same seminar room where I had my moots. It was like this very weird and distant melding of church life and school life. Rather, my church self and my school self. And as I looked at everyone around, I started seeing their church selves and it seemed so weird because I'm not supposed to be seeing their church selves in school!

And I realized how much I compartmentalize my life. Church is church. And school is school. I am quite a different person in church than I am in school. Not that I suddenly adopt a different value system in school than I do in church. But in church, I am much more aware of politics, of being careful with what you say, of being sensible and politically correct (PC) like Josh, of being kind, loving, understanding, caring, empathizing. Church is paradoxically my minefield and my comfort at the same time.

But in school, I am generally what I would be without the influence of God in my life. Though when situations call for me to stand up or live by my system of values, I will. I don't think I am hypocritical. Because the essence of my true self is still present in both settings. I think I just fit into different skins. Yet it is amazing how vastly different I am in each setting.

I have yet to figure out how much of it is a good thing and how much of it is a bad thing.

Stained Glass

Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am I the only one who's traded,
In the altar for a stage?
The performance is convincing
We know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
You imagined me to be?
Would your arms be open?
Or would you walk away

Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?